02/18/2016

Thursday, marked 5 years since my family and I lost my little brother to suicide. His death is and will always be difficult, the years don't have magic powers to wipe away the sadness that has come. I can only push forward to be better, love more, and judge less.  I  can only speak for myself when it comes to losing T. This is in no way easy to write and I fear being misunderstood. I only write to share my personal experience and hope someone can learn from it. 
While the raw pain that came that night has slowly began to heal and the shock that took my breathe away, subsides to realization. While the fear and confusion now only creep in and out of my dreams, my heart was broken to think of the emotions he felt that lead him to take his own life. I will always have a piece of me that aches from this tragedy. 
I remember when it felt like people were looking at me differntly. I would feel uncomfortable when people didn't know how to talk to me anymore. My insecurities were vulnerable, but I knew that Heavenly Father was going to be there for me, if I was willing to ask for His help. I was 19 and in my first year of college at EAC and was blessed to be living with one of my best friends. This amazing girl was my biggest support, comfort, distraction, example, everything!  She taught me to hold on to my faith and testimony even when I felt like the floor was falling out from under me. Every year she sends me a message on this day and whether it's a long message or a short one, it always reminds me what I am suppose to be doing. Loving and serving others, being humble, kind, and Christ like. The temple was my safe haven, where I could escape from the busy world and gather my thoughts. It would help me think of others when I was becoming to concerned about myself.
T was such a spunky fun-loving kid. He was adventurous, carismatic, and a Pyro enthusiast! While some didn't always share is 100 mph ideas, he found his friends who stood by him through thick mud and thin fuses. If you've ever heard the song "Dirt Road Anthem" by Jason Aldean and you knew TC, you'd know that's him in a song! I miss him so much, everyday! Say thank you, forgive, and apologize. While I wish I would have been a better sister and have my list of regrets, I learned I can't change my past but I can try harder today, right now! Don't wait until tomorrow,  love everyone today.
-jess

Fast Forward

Well, it's been way too long that I don't even know where to start. Right, after my last post (like layer that day) kade for offered a transfer to douglas az. Wow!  So we moved back.
On April 8th Areena May Harris joined our family. Weighing 7lbs 10oz. 18 3/4 inches. She is now 5 months old and learning so quickly. She has such a sweet squishy face and smiles so much. She has found her thumb and likes to suck on it. As cute as it might be, this mommy is not a fan.
 She and blake absolutely love each other.
Blakely is going to be 2 years old next month and she is such a 2 year old already. She has so much energy and has such a great sense if humor. She blows us out of the water with how much she knows aND can say. She still does great with signing but I have to remind her.
Kade is working hard and seems to be gone all the time. Words can't even express how grateful I am for how hard he works to support our family. He us so cute when he plays with the girls! They adore him!  He is such a good caring father.
I am coaching gymnastics and I LOVE it! I'm able to do a little exercise get out of the house and of course I get to share one of my most favorite things with these kids.
I am sorry about all the punctuation, spelling, and grammer I am on my phone and can only see a couple of words as I type.

Hello Hello...

We have quite a bit going on in life right now, or so it feels.  Back in December Kade applied for an ROB which is an unpaid transfer and we were suppose to find out if he got an offer within 60 days.  Well obviously those 60 days are long since past and still no official word.  He put in for Douglas, Sonoita, and Lordsburg. We are sure Lordsburg is our best chance due to his seniority level.  But we would be more than happy with it, it would actually be our first choice if it were up to us.  So we are still waiting for word on that, I had really hoped we would know if we got it before we go to AZ so that I can get some things packed up.  

Blakely and I are leaving to Arizona this coming weekend so that I can have the baby there and have lots of family around to help.  Which I really should be packing right now but.... I've always been sort of a procrastinator.  It's been 4 months since we were home last and we really miss all our family.  We hope this little girl arrives soon so that Kade can come too! He is really going to miss his little Blake and I know 100% that she will miss him.  She LOVES when he comes home, wakes up, or even just showers and comes back out, and she goes running up to him screaming "DAD!!".  I can't wait for her to be able to play with cousins and get to know grandparents and great grandparents.  Kade and I are both blessed with amazing families and we want our children to be able to know them and have good relationships with all of them.

I have loved being Primary President. Not necessarily the President part, but I have amazingly helpful councilors, and the children are so incredibly awesome and sweet.  Just a couple weeks ago one of my councilors was suppose to teach sharing time but woke up that morning with two very sick children. So I scrambled to get a lesson ready that would by some miracle last the 15 minutes and then the music teacher didn't show up for music during senior primary so I got to do that as well. Luckily the children aren't judgmental of my singing and just sang louder to drown me out.  Anyways, I don't say this to brag but to say that during music time as we were talking about the songs and what they can teach us and ways that we can apply them to our lives I think it was helping my testimony grow more than me helping them.  I was just filled with such deep love for what we were talking about that I wanted them to be able to feel it, hold on to it, and never forget.  So many of the kids come to church with grandparents or aunts and uncles and rarely do they come every week but when they do come all I hope is that we can teach them to know they are loved, that they have a Savior who lives, and that we hope the very best for their future so that they want to come back each week.  I have just been amazed at how much I have learned from their humble testimonies. Of course, they have the best jokes too!

Blakely and I love getting to spend time with Kade on his days off.  We found a little nature park that we have gone to a few times, that we really enjoy.  We learned there of Blake's fear of Rolly Pollies.

Lately it has been really windy, cloudy, cold, and rainy.  Which makes it not so fun to go out.  I like to open the blinds in the morning and let some sunshine in and it's like a sudden spark of motivation so of course the days I should be cleaning and packing it's cloudy and sad outside.  Good thing I have Blake who livens up the days with her great dance moves.  

Blakely sign language vocabulary has grown so much.  I'll sit with her and go over what she knows how to sign and one I'm astounded by what she remembers when I know she hasn't signed that word in a while and two I can't even remember all the words that she knows we get done and gradually i can think of 10 more signs that I forgot she knows.  It is awesome to see how much easier it is to communicate with her.  Her talking is coming along but 80% of the time I don't know what the heck she is jabbering about.

Here are some recent pictures

 We love Uncle Virgil and his root beer.  Hmm.. maybe we should buy it first.



















 

Writing, Thinking... 2015 Changes

I have always been a positive writer. When I write in my journal, online, or anywhere I don't like write about bad things that are going on.  Mostly because I find it very embarrassing.  Words feel so permanent when they are written.
My mind is constantly thinking and sometimes I have some pretty "crazy thoughts".  I have learned that writing down my thought, they lose that power they have over me.  Same goes with saying it out loud.  But for me I get too embarrassed, so I write it down.
I am a very easily embarrassed person, it is hard for me to be seen negatively.  I don't mind simple occasional teasing or things like that.  It's when people know about my personal problems, my fears, or my insecurities. I know that no one is perfect.  I write down my thoughts because my thoughts control my actions.  When my actions (good ones) are hindered because of my thoughts, that is when writing has come to be very helpful.  Now I am not a novel writer, I am not deep or poetic.  My writing can be confusing, but the point is that I try.
I know not all problems are fixed by writing it down. For me I understand things better, I can figure out how I am going to say something when I write it down.
Even writing this is a leap for me, but in a way it has helped me gather some thoughts and take a step forward.

It's a NEW YEAR. Time to regroup and think about how to live and love better.  Of course we don't have to wait for a new year to roll around to make decisions like this or decide we want to be better. But it is a good reminder to do so.

I've though long and hard about what I want out of 2015. Who I want to be, what I want for my family, how I want my relationship with my Father in Heaven.  Well here is what I have come up with so far.  This year I am going to work on letting myself be happy! (trust me it can be a real struggle).  The decision to be happy starts with ourselves. Instead of waiting for someone else to do it for me, I am deciding to be positive and happy.  I am going to think positively about myself.  I am completely a "words of affirmation" kind of person.  I need to hear good things about myself. That is my main love language. But I am going to do my part on thinking positively about myself .  This year we will be blessed to be adding another beautiful baby girl to our family. I am beyond thrilled.  I am already so excited to meet her.  It is our sincere prayers that we can move back closer to our family in AZ sometime this year.  Chances are looking pretty darn good right now.  This year I want to be better at saving money and spending more wisely.  I was recently called to be the Primary President in my ward and I really do love it, so far.  I am going to do my best this year to help strength the testimonies of the children in the Harlingen 1st ward primary.  And serve my Heavenly Father with the best of my abilities.  I am going to work on spending my time more wisely.  I am going to spend more time teaching my daughter(s) and playing with them.
Last of all and most importantly I am going to work on being a better wife.  Keeping my house more clean, going and doing things that Kade enjoys, and being more patient.

Here's to you.

December 1st this year would have been T.C's 21st birthday.  Now, I don't drink and 21 is mostly known for finally being able to legally drink alcohol but I wanted to remember my brother for his 21st birthday with a poem I wrote about him.  This is just how I knew T. and miss his great personality!  So T, here's to you!

A baby boy, to a strong young man

created by the Father's hand.

He came to earth with no limit to imagination,

dreamed of his own kind of creation.

With "what if"s and "wouldn't it be cool"

A drive to learn but only sometimes to in school.

Bright blue eyes full of hope and love for all

He'd stand by you so brave and tall.

His might hands would work, that loved to play

And still served others day by day

Rode horses, fixed trucks, there was usually fire

Danger and dirt roads were adventure of desire

His hugs, smile, and humor could fix your day in the blink of an eye.

A shoulder to lean on when you needed to cry.

He wouldn't turn you away cause of how you look or who you are

Not even if you took the remote or gave him a scar.

Jokes and magic were a passion he started young

mischief and traps over every door hung.

With spot lights, black lights, and a strobe light

Took bedroom raves to an all new height.

Spray paint and duct tape used to fix his truck

Out four-wheeling and getting stuck was just his luck.

Wasn't the most popular or considered the coolest in the crowd

But he didn't care, if you accepted him as a friend you'd be proud.

Didn't always like school, unless he got to make things explode.

If you sat by him in class you were bound to laugh a load.

Remembered as a friend, son, and brother

So unique, he was unlike any other.

Blessed to have known this inspiring young man

Who taught us to be as loving as we can.

17 years, his story's not over or complete

he lives on in our hearts, until again we meet.

A strong young man, funny, and clever

Thomas Curt Mayberry, we love you forever!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY T! 

 

1 YEAR!

I am in disbelief that my little girl is going to be ONE YEAR OLD this week. Let me tell you about this little angel and brag about how amazing I think she is.  Blake started walking a little after 10 months and when she figured out the walking she did not want to crawl anymore.  Her walk is hilarious, she looks like she has been riding a horse for days, she walks all bow legged.  Right after learning to walk I went and bought her a pair of shoes so she can go for walks outside.  Never in my life have I seen a little one like shoes so much. Right off the bat, she would bring me her shoes and sit down and pick up her feet.  This is just ONE days after buying the shoes and she wasn't even 11 months yet. She still loves her shoes, I tell her to go get them and if something doesn't distract her before she finds them she'll get them and bring them to me. She is learning to sign and LOVES watching videos of people signing songs with the music.  She has always loved music and she is very intrigued by sign language.   She can now sign milk and shoes. Blake has a funny fascination with scaring people.  It's like peek-a-boo but she roars at you. She will leave and go into another room then when she is coming back she'll roar right when she comes in the room like, "haha, I scared and you didn't even know I was gone." It's hilarious.  Today at church she stuck her head under the back of the metal chair in front of us and roared at the ladies sitting on each sides of the chair. They didn't notice but Kade and I got a good kick out of it. Blakely LOVES to read books! We read them over and over again, well now I can just recite them and turn the pages, that's how many times we have read them. She loves to play with other kids and I wish she was around her cousins more.  Good thing she has a sibling coming in April 2015. Yup, SURPRISE! Blakely is going to be a big sister.

Blakely Jo has been a great blessing in our lives.  Kade and I would be so bored without her silly self to keep us entertained. I am truly amazed at how much love I feel for this little person and grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me this opportunity.

 newborn

 almost one

Learning...

Something you can only learn by doing, is being a mother.  Someone can tell you over and over, how you will love your child, how tired you will be, how hard it's going to be, or how happy they will make your day.  Prepare all you want but until you have that precious perfect being in your life, it's impossible to fully understand.  I was very nervous to have a baby, I was nervous that I wouldn't be able to handle the lack of sleep, that I wouldn't be patient enough for the crying, that I wouldn't be able to take care of her the way she needs. It's was a perfectly reasonable feeling, as soon as my little girl was here, I knew it was going to be ok.
I think back to the first couple of weeks after I had Blakely, she would wake up for a good hour in the middle of the night and I would get up and hold her and walk her around.  It might sound crazy, but I am grateful everyday for those hours.  Those hours of complete love, she needed me and trusted me, it was perfect love and perfect trust.
Everyday Blakely grows and changes in someway.  I can see Heavenly Father's miracle of life when I see her.
I love getting to spend all day everyday with her! No, things aren't always easy, sometimes she cries for no reason, sometimes she won't go to sleep and I am beyond exhausted, sometimes she won't eat and get grumpy, but I survive.  I know Heavenly Father is going to help me raise one of His children and I have a wonderful husband who is an amazing father.
I wouldn't change having this little girl for anything.  She makes me laugh and smile everyday! She teaches me to take care of someone else besides myself.  She is the best example to me of being happy and loving others.  Blake might be shy at times around people but for the most part she loves crawling up to some stranger at church or smiling at everyone at the store.  It doesn't matter what they look like or what language they speak she wants to be their friend.

Family is truly an incredible masterpiece that God has put in the plan of Salvation.  While at times family may be a trial they can also be our strength and teach us so much.