02/18/2016

Thursday, marked 5 years since my family and I lost my little brother to suicide. His death is and will always be difficult, the years don't have magic powers to wipe away the sadness that has come. I can only push forward to be better, love more, and judge less.  I  can only speak for myself when it comes to losing T. This is in no way easy to write and I fear being misunderstood. I only write to share my personal experience and hope someone can learn from it. 
While the raw pain that came that night has slowly began to heal and the shock that took my breathe away, subsides to realization. While the fear and confusion now only creep in and out of my dreams, my heart was broken to think of the emotions he felt that lead him to take his own life. I will always have a piece of me that aches from this tragedy. 
I remember when it felt like people were looking at me differntly. I would feel uncomfortable when people didn't know how to talk to me anymore. My insecurities were vulnerable, but I knew that Heavenly Father was going to be there for me, if I was willing to ask for His help. I was 19 and in my first year of college at EAC and was blessed to be living with one of my best friends. This amazing girl was my biggest support, comfort, distraction, example, everything!  She taught me to hold on to my faith and testimony even when I felt like the floor was falling out from under me. Every year she sends me a message on this day and whether it's a long message or a short one, it always reminds me what I am suppose to be doing. Loving and serving others, being humble, kind, and Christ like. The temple was my safe haven, where I could escape from the busy world and gather my thoughts. It would help me think of others when I was becoming to concerned about myself.
T was such a spunky fun-loving kid. He was adventurous, carismatic, and a Pyro enthusiast! While some didn't always share is 100 mph ideas, he found his friends who stood by him through thick mud and thin fuses. If you've ever heard the song "Dirt Road Anthem" by Jason Aldean and you knew TC, you'd know that's him in a song! I miss him so much, everyday! Say thank you, forgive, and apologize. While I wish I would have been a better sister and have my list of regrets, I learned I can't change my past but I can try harder today, right now! Don't wait until tomorrow,  love everyone today.
-jess